Q: Can a Poly, BDSM relationships work?
A: I have lead an open, 24 /7 poly lifestyle for over 18 years while also living as a professional and lifestyle dominant. To me BDSM provides a foundation for our poly dynamic. And allows us to institute guidelines that help mold and shape a dynamic that is not only based on mutual respect but transparency.
I think one of the problems, (although it is semantic), is the idea of “what works“. Honestly I watch poly relationships crash and burn just as often as I see BDSM ones fall by the way side. And thats because everyone’s version of BDSM doesn’t work for everyone. In the same way everyone’s Poly style doesn’t work for everyone. But can’t the same thing be said about all relationship styles? Think about it. When you put it in context, you probably had more break ups in your traditional Monogamous lifestyle then you did in any of the alternative ones. So why even spot light on this one?..
When you look at Monogamy, Non Monogamy, BDSM etc… The thing the they all have in common is that they are all relationships between people. So I think the more important question is, “Do you have what it takes to make a relationship work?”
There’s that word again… Work. Honestly, I think that we in the BDSM lifestyle have a good way of viewing the philosophical concept of the term ‘work‘.
To me the term for ‘work’ is interchangeable with ‘effort‘ and ‘ success‘… In fact they are two sides of the same coin. So the more effort everyone puts in, the more successful we are.
- Because we all have to work together which is an important component of being in a group dynamic.
- In BDSM there is always someone for you to be accountable to and responsible for. To me this insure that everyone has not only a vested interest in the each other’s success but the overall success of the group.
But, while I always say that “I don’t train slaves or submissives… I train life-partners” its important to understand that success in a relationship shouldn’t be focused on being together for life but how rich and vibrant your life is when you are together.
There are very few people that I have shared a life with that no longer view me as a friend or occasional lover. In fact I often see their husbands, attend their events and celebrate their new lives together.
And I think that’s because I stopped focusing on where our intimacy ended and started focusing on where our new found friendship begins.
O
Filed under: Uncategorized
