Polyamory or Threat?

Daily there are more and more people jumping on this bandwagon called Polyamory in name only. There are a lot of people who join because they truly embrace what being poly means . However there are also  a lot of women who join the ranks because they feel that this is the best way to please their mate. Why not give him access to another woman that we can feign approval of, in the hopes of trying to control the situation and curtail infidelity? In a more simple explanation,  we try to manipulate the men in our lives by being open yet closed. Inside we still are monogamous minded and see ourselves as the one and only for our lovers, but on the outside we are  pretending to be Poly. Whenever one or more parties is not truly accepting of a way of life you all should embrace it creates an unbalance in harmony. Meaning someone ends up getting hurt.

Speaking as a woman, I would first like to point out that having a third added to your dynamic is not a boon. He or she is not a prize to be coveted and bragged about. We are all equally loved or we should be to a point.  There is no competition. There should not be any jockeying for position since we should have all come together and should have worked through all of that prior to deciding to be poly. There are no shortcuts to poly living. You must all be truly open and honest but above all you all need to be in control of your own insecurities.  Women more so than men.

• For a woman to be poly there are a lot of steps that we all have to go through.  We must first be secure in the knowledge that our love, our spouse, our man is not going to leave us for the new love that we have introduced in our home. Because of this fact we must take the steps to build and strengthen our core relationship. Take time to just be together and grow past all of the issues that might arise.

• Begin slowly by setting boundaries that you are comfortable with and only after you are truly ready for it start dating. Each candidate for addition is a person.  They are not toys for couples.  They are not experiments. If you’re not comfortable with the emotional ties of polyamory then try swinging.  Not all couples that swing can be poly since it goes beyond just a swap for a night. Know how far you want to go before you both make a move.
• COMMUNICATE!!! Keep talking to your spouse about all that you feel. I hear a lot of women complaining that they were fine with their man being intimate with another woman but the idea of him actually being romantically involved with her scares them. Especially if they felt that the other woman was getting too much attention.  Talk about your feelings with your spouse of significant other.  Tell them how you are feeling. Talk to the third person in your new dynamic. Know when the fear you are feeling is selfishly motivated and when it is valid.
• Get to know the person you both are deciding to date or become involved with.  Using myself as an example I am friends with both halves of my dynamic.  We have lives that are intertwined. We laugh together and enjoy spending time all three of us or separate.
• Be mature enough to handle the sex. Unlike in a normal swinging circle between friends being poly is different.  Swinging is a friendship and poly is a relationship.  You are all accountable to each other. There should never be an occasion where either of you is being dishonest about sex. Between you there should not be a worry of someone being unfaithful.
• Just as swinging is not a cure for a dying relationship neither is polyamory. If your relationship has staled or is on its last legs assuming adding a third will change things is ridiculous.  In other words if you and your spouse are not compatible sexually so you both decide to add a third to supply the sexual needs of the other person you’re both opening a can of worms. You are going into the dynamic thinking solely about physical satisfaction.

Coming from a position where I have been an addition as well as a core, I understand the reasons why women fear polyamory.  I have been there.  I know what it feels like to not be secure in your place. I also know that being poly is not as scary as I once thought. It’s not bad. My relationship ended not because of an issue with being poly but other issues in our dynamic. I tried hard to show my friend that I only wanted to share her man not take him.I was not trying to break up a home but be a part of one. I wasn’t a threat. I was and still am a sister in love.