In ethical polyamory, our relationships are ideally built on honesty, communication, mutual respect, and agreements. So why are these values often lost to fate, immaturity, wanderlust, or just plain ole dysfunction during a break up? I wonder if taking a little time to form agreements around the possibility of ending our relationships might, indeed, lead to more happy endings.

Some questions we might consider as we head for possible break ups;

• How long will we give each other to move out, if we live together?
• Will we continue to share mutual friends? Mutual lovers? Mutual poly social spaces?
• Does breaking up mean we have to break up the entire poly unit?

The most important questions of all;

• Are we committed enough to try everything possible before ending it?
• Is it even necessary to end our relationship, or is it simply time to take it to another level?
• Does it have to be all or nothing?

The end of a romantic relationship connection doesn’t have to mean the next phase of our relationship has to be less intimate, especially if we can agree that it is time to change the nature of our relationship, rather than trash it.

In my experience, previously romantic relationships often became even more intimate after we decided to stop being sexual partners. The level of intimacy we had during our romantic period only strengthened our ability to be there for one another after that stage was over. I still consider most of my ex’s to be family, and I am there for them in whatever ways I can be. Of course, much of that depended on our ability to end the romantic phase of our relationships with closure, dignity and mutual respect. Having their best interest at heart and still wanting to see them happy, made working out the details of shifting to another level of relating that much easier.

It meant being able to respect the fact that we both might need a little time away from one another. Knowing that both of us would soon be seeing other people, if not one of the same people. True compersion isn’t conditional. If we honestly are happy seeing our partners, lovers, and friends happy; we can celebrate new love with them, accepting that “we” just weren’t ready for each other at the time we were together.

It takes two people to create whatever exists between them, so talking poorly of our partners reflects on our ability to take responsibility for our experiences. It is seldom one person’s fault over the other. Sometimes things don’t work out, so we have to shift gears for what will.

Agreements to give each other space might include not going to the same social places, or calling each other to notify one another that we’re going to be someplace the other might show up. Sometimes it means divvying up mutual friends, although we should never put friends in the position of taking sides.

We might feel a powerful need to vent in social media. Would you go out into the streets and start sharing the details of your personal life with random strangers? Can we be discreet, even on Facebook? Can we get our emotional fixes by directing our comments to specific trusted confidants via our inboxes, or does it serve us somehow to randomly throw comments out into cyberspace to virtual friends, and then become indignant when we hear about people “gossiping”? Perhaps, we tried mediation, or counseling, before ending our romantic relationship. Can we talk to that person? If nothing else, can we be honest with ourselves about our motivations when sharing about our painful breakup with an ex on Facebook and other social media?

Ugly breakups are not limited to monogamous relationships. Polyamorous folk can have hard breakups, as well. Although, with the ethical aspect of polyamory it is entirely possible to plan for the possibility of a breakup by taking into consideration what we, and our partners, would need to make a smooth transition to an even deeper level of intimacy. A level of intimacy that allows for continued growth, love, and respect; perhaps, even, a more cherished role in our lives than before.

If we ever believed in ethical relating and compersion, the so-called end of a relationship can be the beginning of something entirely new, and with a deeper, more profound, sense of connection.

Cmo <3

by Ron Young

Hey Lovers! Are you in a constant battle with your spirituality and Polyamory? Our society has conditioned us to shame and guilt others for being anything outside of what is considered “normal” when the fact is that the basic tenets of Polyamory are very much in line with Christianity. In the spirit of this “day of rest” (Sunday) for many that come from spiritual or religious backgrounds, I thought I’d take this time out to share with you a brief breakdown of scripture that has been presented to me on a few occasions from our fellow Christian brothers, and sisters, that engage in shaming or guilting us for our lovestyle.

This passage comes from the book of 1 Corinthians 7: 1-9. Keep in mind that in verse 6 Paul makes it a point to mention that these are RECOMMENDATIONS for being a good faithful Christian, and NOT COMMANDMENTS FROM GOD (something that most Christians habitually overlook when attempting to shame our Polyamorous approach to loving others). Essentially, these “recommendations” were merely the opinionated views of the apostle Paul and did not come from Jesus, or God himself, as Paul pointed out.

1 Corinthians 7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

6 Now as a CONCESSION, NOT A COMMAND, I say this. 7 I WISH that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

This section of the New testament has been used by many Christians as a reason to defend “traditional marriage”, but they never acknowledge or choose to practice the act of Paul’s recommendation in verse 1 of NOT HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN AT ALL. But barring that fact, if those concerned would like to stick to what the apostle “recommends”, it would be smart to make mention of the fact that if you were born with the UNIQUE ability as a Polyamorous being to love more than one person, according to the apostle Paul himself, in verse 17-20, these “recommendations” do not apply to you, and are as reads:

1 Corinthians 7: …17 ONLY LET EACH PERSON LEAD THE LIFE THE LORD HAS ASSIGNED TO THEM, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 18 Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. 19 For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. 20 EACH ONE SHOULD REMAIN THE THE CONDITION IN WHICH HE WAS CALLED. So according to the these scriptures, and the apostle Paul, if you were born Poly,… STAY POLY

LOVE>

Written by Ron Young

Edited by WritetoMind

by Lavena Burke

The last time I came out to my family, which was actually to my mom and sister, it was not received as well as I had hoped. I admitted that I was no longer Christian and that I did not wish to follow any organized religion. My sister was kind about it, but never really comprehended my purpose for change. It felt like my ideals were being tolerated, but not accepted as an option. My mother, who often proclaimed that we could tell her anything, took it the worst. Her questions were demeaning and condemning. When I would try to approach the subject, she would insinuate that I had become a devil worshipper. Yes, it was harsh. I thought if they couldn’t accept my spiritual choices then, perhaps, they might not accept my Polyamorous love life either. When you experience something so profound, though, you want to share it with those you love.

When people meet the person they want to spend their lives with, they share it with family, and friends; and now, thanks to social media, even strangers. The loving couple is doted upon and blessed with well wishes. Those who dare to love differently, however, are not so warmly received. My fantasy would be to tell my family about my second partner and have them say, “I am so happy for you. I would love to meet him when he visits.” I want him to be embraced and appreciated for what he adds to my life. I want them to know that I have been careful in my decision. I want them to remember their love for me and examine how far it actually goes. Hopefully it reaches from the depths of their hearts, far past their religious notions and traditional beliefs, directly to me. You know, love, for real.

Love, the real kind, is not always experienced in these situations. Sometimes people’s souls are damned to hell and minds are questioned for sanity. My fear is that my own family will think it is all for sex; and will judge me accordingly. I fear I will be outcast and my child’s wellbeing scrutinized. A pastor, or two, may be called upon to look in on me, to make sure I am not possessed, or something equivalent to that. I will not have the freedom to tell others on my own terms; everyone will already know so that they might pray for my depraved spirit. I know these fears appear extreme, but these are the images that haunt my thoughts. I am afraid it may become my reality.

 My reality is that, my family will, likely, assume that it is a phase. My mother will want to know if my son is aware of it and whether or not my husband approves. My sister will not understand my desire to love someone else because she is a big supporter of my relationship with my husband. She will ask a lot of questions and at the end of the conversation will wish me well. Neither my mother nor my sister will condemn me. They will hope that I get over it, but will love me all the same, knowing that I won’t. Telling those two will be the first step to telling the world, I am Polyamorous.

Some days I want to shout from the rooftops that I have discovered a part of myself that is so wonderful and freeing. My family is important to me, and I want them to share in my happiness. I know that it is naive of me to think that everyone should just accept my lifestyle with the same enthusiasm. Not everyone will get it. However, I do not ever want to feel like I am hiding who I am, or that I am ashamed of my second lover.  I will be patient in sharing my news. I will let it be exposed naturally and will not be afraid of anyone’s reaction.  I understand that my life is really no one else’s to live, but I want to share it. I just have to remember it will all happen in good time.

Written by Lavena Burke

Edited by WritetoMind 

by Lisa Young

“Hey girl, did you see the ridiculousness cousin *blank* wrote on FB?”

My first inclination when I read this text message was to ignore what “ridiculousness” my cousin had written on Facebook. Frankly, I couldn’t care less, especially from a cousin that I rarely see. It’s almost like someone saying, “Ewww, this tastes awful…taste it!”

Yet, on this particular day, I had a nagging feeling that maybe it was worth a look-see, so I did. There it was, suspended in cyberspace on my cousin’s page:

“To whom it may concern: I still love you but…

Polyamory is wrong!…BOOM…There…I said it!”

Huh?!!! I sat dumbfounded for several minutes, going over and over in my head all of the whos, whats, where’s, why’s, and how’s, this comment, in a public forum, about MY life, could be appropriate. Yes, I AM living an openly Polyamorous life, unapologetically; but I can’t say that I flaunt it. It’s more of a non-issue to me.

I wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, give my husband and son a hug goodbye as I head off to work, and text my boyfriend a morning greeting as the car warms up. Thus begins my day. To me, it’s business as usual, rather boring actually.

But to others, well, who knows what torrid thoughts fester in those evil, idle, little minds? Thoughts that consume their pillow talk, and probably fuel their own mundane sex life, as they imagine the ferociousness in mine.  I’m happy to be their living example of “50 Shades of Gray,” as long as they don’t turn around and judge me for what they consider to be a crime against morality. What gives someone the right to grab a bag of popcorn, some Milk Duds, park their lawn chair outside my bedroom window, and write a Facebook review on my love life?

Since that comment, it has come to light that my so-called loving family has had several other members exchanging the ubiquitous, thumbs up, “like” symbol, behind closed doors and in whispered conversations. I have discovered that it only takes one pass from the wolf to get the hens a-clucking in the hen house.

All of this truly puzzles me, considering that, aside from my great aunt and uncle (who are in their late 70’s), and my dad and stepmom (whose marriage is only 5 years longer than mine), we have the longest marriage in our family- almost 26 years.

Despite my lack of understanding as to why this is such a “Big F*cking Deal,” I have tried to come up with loving ways to address people’s ignorance of polyamory. I’ve found that the best way, and also the most obvious way, is to respond by being more loving. Love without judgment. Love without fear. The last time I saw this cousin, I gave her a huge hug and kiss in the middle of a party, not the customary hello or goodbye courtesy hug. I also planted a big fat kiss on her cheek and told her that I loved her. I did this because I realized that I had never told her that before.

I am able to do this, because living this authentically has made me happier, and more loving, than I’ve ever been in my life. Although it shouldn’t, this has bred a lot of jealousy and resentment in the lives of others. All I can do is love these people for who they are and hope that they find their own happiness in time; so they can stop focusing on judging me for mine.

So, to all the naysayers who find scandal in my loving committed relationships, have at it. It’s been fun living out your fantasies for you and giving you fodder for your otherwise boring lives.  It truly amuses me that those that gossip the most, deep down inside…”Like” my status!

Written by Lisa Young

Edited by WritetoMind

by Cmo <3

There seem to be a gazillion couples out there seeking to find that single bisexual woman for “both” members of the couple. Some folk like to call these people Unicorn Hunters. A unicorn hunter is so called because it is thought that they are searching for an almost mythical, non-existent, creature to impose the demands of their couples privilege upon. The unicorn is, indeed, rare; definitively made so by the very criteria, and demands, of the hunting couple…mostly because who would submit to demands like these?

She must be attracted to both of us

She must be attractive to both of us

She must be available to us exclusively

She must not have sex with either of us without the other, but we can have sex together without her

She must not need too much attention from us, or make demands

She must not fall in love and try to usurp the position of either “primary” partners

She must be available when we call

Typically, when a couple finds a likely candidate and things are looking good; everyone is happy, and then the single woman’s humanity shows up. She seems to be more attracted to one partner, over the other. One member of the couple isn’t attracted to her sexually. She shows up uninvited. She calls asking to come over when the couple doesn’t want to see her. She wants a baby…marriage/commitment…etc.

No matter how it happens, the joy bubble is burst and, in the couples point of view, SHE became a “problem” and had to be dismissed. Never mind how she feels about it. The unicorn illusion was shattered. The couple is done.

That’s more often than not how it plays out…because, well, couples privilege, power, and oppression.

Were couples more flexible in their criteria, perhaps having more interest in what their potential new relationship addition wants, and an attitude of “Lets Get to Know Each Other as Real People and See Where it Goes”, maybe there would be a lot more success stories from couples than complaints about how “hard it is to find a single female for both of them”, the horror stories of how the single female tried to break them apart, or how she walked out after they fell in love with her.

Although, the rare single woman who is seeking a couple, and is “ALL ABOUT SERVING THEM” does actually exist. These sort of submissive women have many reasons for wanting to be with a couple…not all of them good for every couple, but, then, that’s where communication comes into play. Some of the reasons these, often self-identified, unicorns express a desire to be with couples are;

As a submissive it pleases me to serve a couples happiness in every way, especially in a committed triad

I don’t want the demands of a primary partnered relationship, but enjoy the attention, and freedom, being the third for a couple brings

I’m just interested in no strings attached ongoing sex with an adoring man and woman

I just want the experience of a threesome with a man and woman, nothing more

Even those who rail against unicorn hunters don’t seem to think about the “submissive” self-identified unicorn; but, Ive actually found these strange creatures wandering the web, wondering why THEY can’t find unicorn hunters to submit to. If there IS a such thing as a unicorn, I’d think these women would be as close as one can get.

They are indeed a rarity, because often when they enter a relationship thinking they are choosing to surrender themselves to a couples whims with no strings…that ol’ thing called “humanness” will kick in demanding more…more sex, more love, more attention, more commitment, more importance, more time, more access…more, of what we didn’t have before, thus proving they were not definitive unicorns.

It helps to remember, human beings change. We have desires, needs, responsibilities, and baggage. When we ignore that fact, we reduce anyone we are trying to deal with to objects for our amusement…and human toys are indeed mythical creatures borne of self-serving imaginations.

Unicorns are apparently real, and really rare. Catching one is likely to be an exercise in painful delusion, but, if a real one finds YOU…submits to YOU…offers her love to YOU…you’d be wise to enjoy it, while the rainbow casts its good fortune in your direction. Treat her like a real human being, and she just might stay. A relationship where a single woman’s needs are valued as much as your own can be well worth the mutual benefits it can produce….unicorn or not.

Cmo <3

by Orpheus Black

It’s no secret that I am a bit of a poly snob and a non-monogamy separatist. I believe that the term poly denotes a specific branch on the non-monogamy tree (specifically committed polyandrous and polygynous dynamics) and that poly shouldn’t be used as an umbrella term to shelter other forms of non-monogamy.

That being said, I am not going to make this post about why poly differs from all the other lifestyles. No, today I just want to focus on one unifying aspect of poly….Community.

My grandfather, whom I consider the I-Ching of all relationship knowledge, told me, “When one person loves another they are a couple, but when those 2 people love another, and that love is returned, that’s called a family.” He said, “The only reason a family survives is through communing, i.e., living and loving along with other families. When they do this they form a community. It doesn’t matter whether you find that community in a church, a park, or at some local lodge. What’s important is that the community has a vested interest in the success of every family involved.”

When my grandfather told me this he was talking to me about how black people and black families survived slavery. But I think that the same holds true for our fragile poly community.

A group of individuals who love each other need a community, not just to belong, but to receive support from people who provide them with positive role models. This empowers each individual to grow as a role model for others in the community.

The community helps foster a strong value system that accounts for the wants and needs of the whole. It has respect for every member and holds everyone in the highest regard.

Lastly, as part of the community, members have an opportunity to actively participate in something bigger than them. Few people know the humbling experience of working within a group for the sole benefit of that group, setting aside ego and self-interest to do what’s best for the community, regardless of your personal status.

It teaches people to trust and to become trustworthy. It becomes a loving, non-judgmental, body that challenges us with tasks and responsibilities, inspiring each individual to hold themselves accountable for their words and actions.

More than anything else, a community gives its members the opportunity to practice togetherness, and that’s not something many of us get to experience.

To me, family and community is what defines polyamory because its all about living and loving communally.

by Orpheus Black

edited by WritetoMind

by Ron Young

“When we are children, and we have a problem with someone, we get angry. For whatever reason, that anger pushes the problem away; we get the result we want. It happens a second time-we react with anger -and now we know if we get angry we push the problem away. Then we practice and practice, until we become masters of anger.

In the same way, we become masters of jealousy, masters of sadness, masters of self-rejection. All of our drama and suffering is by practice. We make an agreement with ourselves, and we practice that agreement until it becomes a whole mastery. The way we think, the way we feel, and the way we act, become so routine that we no longer need to put our attention on what we are doing. It is just by action-reaction that we behave a certain way.

To become masters of love, we have to practice love. The art of relationship is also a whole mastery, and the only way to reach mastery is with practice. To master a relationship is therefore about action. It is not about concepts or attaining knowledge. It is about action. Of course, to have action, we need to have some knowledge, or at least a little more awareness of the way humans operate.” – Don Miguel Ruiz  ‘The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book’

It has been an entire year since ‘Black & Poly’™ first came into existence and we have come a long way in such a short amount of time and have done it with so much style, grace, and character. As one of ‘Black & Poly’s™ most esteemed board members, and a great colleague of mine, Mr. Kato Cooks, so eloquently stated; “Our community of group administrators, local coordinators, secretaries, editors, writers, board members, and group members, ensure that our community keeps growing and thriving by demonstrating amazing levels of excellence, dedication and commitment to educating and supporting. We have become the exemplar community.”  I take pride in the fact that we ARE setting the standard for what a TRUE poly community should be.

Witnessing the everyday struggles of those in transition from monogamous to polyamorous ways of thinking and living, I’ve watched our community take on love, and the mastery of it, as if it were a religion in and of itself. Day after day, I am brought back to that excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz that truly changed my life, and set my wheels in motion towards the path of abundant love, by simply observing members of ‘Black & Poly’ commit to constant daily practice towards TOTAL MASTERY OF LOVE, though very few have read this particular book. The fact that a community, such as ours, has so much dedication towards this goal blows my mind and leaves me awestruck.

It may sound hokey to some, but I believe that all of what we have done this past year, coming together as a family and community, is truly history in the making. The bonds that we have formed through our triumphs, and even our tragedy with the death of one of our beloved members, Medricks Hester, has drawn us even closer.

In the monogamous world, we’re taught from an early age that one day our prince, or princess, will come along and take away all of the ills and pangs of loneliness and suffering that we’re going through. This ONE PERSON will be our all; our everything. We will fall in love, and go off somewhere to live together as “one”. In this new place, within each other, we will find a new full-time lover, father or mother, brother or sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, counselor, confidant, nurse, doctor, maid, mechanic, and everything else all wrapped up into one person. In essence, what we do in search of love in the monogamous paradigm is forsake community in hopes of finding that be-all, end-all, love, that we’ve been taught will arrive once we eschew ourselves from the inclusive way we’ve interacted with each other as children.

This diaspora from communal love, in search of monogamous love, is what I suspect may be the root cause of this depressive, suppressive, and oppressive condition that we’ve allowed ourselves to remain in since slavery. To see those in the ‘Black & Poly’™ community use one of the most powerful forces -Love- to bring about the social change that will set us free from the mental bondage that is destroying our families, destroying our communities, and destroying the love that we once had for each other encourages and excites me.  I look forward to our next great year of Mastering Love within our ‘Black & Poly’™ community.

Thank you Family…for everything!
Love <3

by A.C. Keys

To my delightful surprise, I learned there exists a word, and lifestyle, that would allow my suppressed desire to genuinely love more than one person, freely, to be expressed. Polyamory. While researching polyamory, I came across a Polyamorous dating website and signed up.

I soon met a man in an open marriage. His wife had a boyfriend, whom she loved very much, for over two years. He was seeking a female partner for himself.

We spoke over the phone for about a month, sharing desires and expectations for something long-term and meaningful. During those discussions he said he could dedicate 2 to 3 days each week to nurturing a relationship with me, some of them overnight stays. I asked if he was confident he could make this commitment. He assured me he could.

After meeting a few times, he took me home to meet his wife. She was a beautiful person inside and out, very warm and welcoming. She was heterosexual, as am I. She admitted wanting him to be happy, and had a desire to support him in his relationships, as he had done for her.

As our relationship progressed, unfortunately, his actions were not consistent with what he originally said he wanted. Instead of investing the time to nurture a meaningful relationship, he stopped by my place once a week, on his way home from work, for a quickie; usually lasting no more than an hour. It was, essentially, a booty call; drive by sex. When I complained that this was not what I signed up for, and it was not as he said it would be; he expressed that he didn’t have a lot of free time and still had family obligations. I expressed my full understanding and suggested that he take his wife and me out, at the same time, to remove the stress of trying to divide his time between us.

We all soon went out for dinner. When the check came, he paid for his and his wife’s meal, not mine. This, most certainly, made me feel less than significant and like a third wheel, but I dismissed it.

During a conversation with his wife, she expressed how his “over the top sex drive” was overwhelming her. I realized from our conversation that, even though they loved each other very much, he lacked the romance she needed, which she found in her boyfriend. It also occurred to me that he really just needed another sexual outlet, not a meaningful relationship, as he had expressed in the beginning.

I have a fairly high sex drive, however, I needed quality time and romance just as much as his wife. So, after some consideration, I concluded we were not a match and ended the relationship.

Later, I met another couple that was unmarried but lived together. They were very happy, and enjoyable, people. We went out to a few events and parties. The boyfriend eventually asked me to go away with them for the weekend. As a single woman, I am accustomed to men who invite me out to pay for the things they invite me to. I assumed that he had the weekend trip covered for me, just as he had it covered for his girlfriend. Needless to say, I was somewhat taken aback when he asked me for half of the expenses. I asked myself, “Why is it, when a “single man” asks a woman out, or decides to take her away for the weekend, she isn’t expected to pay; but in a poly couple dynamic the man assumes he is exempt of such expectations?”

Again, I was left feeling less than significant because he took care of his girlfriend, and
not me.

I feel strongly that if a man wants to date two women he should be prepared to care for both women in the same manner, or, at the very least, have an open and honest discussion of expectations and abilities before inviting her out or beginning a relationship.

The lessons I learned, as a single woman, is to ask a lot more questions regarding desires, intentions, expectations, abilities and limitations of everyone. Have ongoing, continuous, open conversations. Many single women have chosen to steer clear of couples until they have established their own couple unit for these very reasons. What are your thoughts and or recommendations?

Written by A. C. Keyes

****The comments, ideas, and opinions written here are the writers own and do not necessarily reflect the philosophies, values, or community standards of Black & Poly as an organization.  The “Black & Poly Blog” serves as an outlet for the voices of our very diverse community. It is our goal to reflect that diversity through the written experiences of our members.***

Edited by: WritetoMind

by Orpheus Black

Sandra B Asks Orpheus:

Orpheus, are there hard and fast rules to being polyamorous?

As the ‘third’ in our triad, my boyfriend and his wife have ‘rules'; however, I came in with no expectations. Should I make rules, follow rules, or let the triad develop on its on? (BDSM is not a part of our lives)

ORPHEUS ANSWERS:

There are no hard and fast rules that govern any relationship alternatives, BDSM, poly, or otherwise.

Each relationship is like a snowflake. No matter how similar one is to another, each is unique, requiring its own rules, methodologies, and environment, specific to that relationship.

A general rule of thumb is, don’t bring in rules, guidelines or expectations, to an already established relationship. When a third enters a new relationship with a preexisting couple it is important to acknowledge the established rules, structures, and hierarchies, in place. Not because it is the polite thing to do, but because these rules have worked for the preexisting relationship thus far and altering it may do more damage than good.

In my opinion, the job of the third is to become so comfortable and familiar with the workings of the relationship dynamic that initiating slight changes, accommodations, or alterations, to the relationship should be no problem. When something is not working out for you, or others, you will understand the best way to get things resolved.

It is important that every third realize that if what they want, or need, is not in line with the goals of the previously established relationship they can tear it apart.

In my opinion, the best ways to initiate change are organic. Each person should write a “Best Case Scenario” list that outlines where they want the relationship to go. The overlaps in each list could become common goals for everyone. Everything that can be agreed upon should be acknowledged. Everything else should be thoroughly discussed. In this way, you not only set goals for the group, but, establish a rudimentary process for communication between everyone. While this is a good beginning approach, it may not work if you are already in a dynamic that works for you.

What I would recommend, if you are already in a dynamic, is to look at every issue you, or your partners, may have from a bipartisan stand point. A few of my rules of thumb are;

“No rules, or changes, can be made to the relationship if it negatively affects or harms anyone in the poly dynamic.”

“No rules, or changes, can be made if they don’t reflect the overall feelings or goals of the group.”

“No rules, or changes, can be made if they are in the best interest of a lone individual and not the collective”

So how do you work within a polygynous or Polyamorous structure to bring about the changes you want that may be most beneficial? Robert Heinlein once said, “You have to fully Grok the situation.” Grok means to understand, so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in the group experience.”

When you have an issue, or want to make a change, make sure you fully understand the issue before you attempt to address it. Then go to your partners, not only with the issue, but, with a mutually beneficial way to resolve it. That’s really important. What’s also important is that you do it respectfully; and that you are not so attached to your solution that it can’t be taken and altered in a way that you may not have foreseen.

In closing, polyamorous relationships are like bonsai trees, they will grow on their own but it is up to us to guide and shape it in a way that is healthy, beautiful, and sustainable.

by Orpheus Black

edited by WritetoMind

Happy 2015!!

What’s new with ‘Black & Poly’ for this brand new year?

There are a few things – and a we have reason to CELEBRATE! First, we have a new ‘Black & Poly’ Art Department. Next, we welcome David McLeod, the newly-named Art Director of said department. The Raleigh, NC native, former Army Officer lives in Atlanta, GA with his wife where they both are discovering polyamory as the love-style that suits them. For someone relatively new to polyamory, McLeod really knows how to represent. He has designed a new symbol for our community. We are very pleased to introduce to you the International Black Polyamory Flag. He recently shared his thoughts on the emblem.

Black & Poly: When and how did you get the idea to create the International Black Polyamory Flag?

David McLeod: Actually, I responded to a call for Graphic Designers put out by [‘Black & Poly’ Founder] Ron Young back in early November on the Facebook page. I responded with my website and he liked my work. The idea of a flag was actually his. He expressed what he wanted and what it was to represent.

B&P: What were the elements you thought about when creating the International Black Polyamory Flag?

DM: We wanted something visual that spoke specifically to the polyamorous community, and further representative of those within the African diaspora. 

B&P: You’ve combined Pan-African colors with a widely-used symbol of polyamory, the infinity heart. Have you incorporated more symbolism? Are there meanings to the colors in a polyamory context as well?

DM: I took what Ron wanted it to represent, and I went to work on that. It definitely borrows from the Pan-African inspired red, black, and green theme, but in this case, we’re a bit different. The red symbolizes “Abundant Love in All its Forms,” the black is for “People Standing in Solidarity – Families Uniting” and the green is for “Growth & Hope.”

As a Graphic Designer, my job is to visually communicate an idea. Most of “us” are familiar with the RBG color scheme, and what it basically means. The infinity heart is understood within poly communities as well, so it just makes sense, as opposed to doing something completely different which would require more branding and explanation behind its meaning and use, which is a task in itself.

Along with the colors, the infinity heart is also indicative of an Adinkra symbol of West Africa, which works as a subconscious reminder. All these elements work synonymously to communicate the basic idea behind the flag.

B&P: Alternative cultures have adopted using flags and symbols as a powerful means to show pride in who we are. What do you think are the unique qualities and life experiences we have to be proud of as people who are both black and poly?

DM: Now I’m not speaking for the entire ‘Black & Poly’ community, but I personally think that the black and poly, and more specifically the African-American experience within the poly community is a positive, and in many ways, a much needed one. It emphasizes communication, love, and community.

B&P: Do you see the flag primarily as a way for us to recognize and connect with one another or as a way to be visible so that others may learn about us?

DM: It’s both. It serves as an opportunity to be identified by, as well as a symbol that can open up dialog with individuals and other groups about what it means to be black and poly.

B&P: If this flag could help herald one new bit of awareness or understanding for our community, what would it be?

DM: That we are not a one-dimensional people. We are Black, and we are also Polyamorous.

B&P: What are the plans for the flag? Who will have permission to use it? Do you envision it remaining a flag to be flown or do you hope to see the symbol on buttons, T-shirts, and bumper stickers in poly communities everywhere?

DM: Yeah, I think that’s the ultimate goal. Its use will be specified by Ron, but I think that it will eventually be available for anyone who identifies themselves with this movement. I’d definitely like to see it everywhere: on flags, buttons, shirts, the whole nine! That would be awesome!

B&P: How can people who are interested in you, the flag, or any other aspect of your work get in touch?

DM: I be all over these “intronets.” If you’re a small business owner or entrepreneur, you can check out my design work at DavidMcLeod.biz. For my fine art, you can find me at: Flavadave.biz. Instagram: @Flavadave72 and Twitter: @Flavadave72.

by Robin Renée

Robin Renée is a recording artist, writer, and longtime advocate in the LGBT and polyamory communities in the Philadelphia area. Her recordings include In Progress, All Six Senses, Live Devotion, spirit.rocks.sexy, and This. More information on her work can be found at RobinRenee.com.

by Kozure Okami

Nowadays, the topic of Polyamory has graduated from the “realm of taboo” to “ethical Mexican standoff” for both individuals and groups within modern society.

Additionally, battle lines have been clearly drawn with Monogamy on one side and Polyamory on the other. Or have they?

With all of the conversation, heated debates, and mud-slinging, that continue to polarize groups and entire communities (as if there isn’t enough of that), the common assumption about Polyamory is that it’s a free-for-all where sexual deviants retreat en masse to escape the daily rigors, personal responsibilities, and expectations for accountability, that are believed to be associated with Monogamy.

In spite of all the proselytizing from both sides, it has been made clear (through blogs, chats, talk shows, and movies, alike) that very few honestly know what it means to be Polyamorous.

Monogamy, as defined by the “Almighty” Wikipedia, is:

1. A form of marriage in which an individual has only one spouse at any one time.
2. In current usage, monogamy often refers to having one sexual partner, irrespective of marriage or reproduction.

Polyamory, also defined by Wikipedia, is:

1. The practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
2. Often abbreviated as poly, is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.
3. An ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.
4. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in Polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships.

As a former monogamist many moons ago, it was difficult to conceptualize the structure of Polyamory. My upbringing and learned behavior caused me to compare the inadequate amount of information I acquired (by assumption, visual perception, or listening to someone who claimed to “be Poly”, but knew even less than I) to what I knew to be “concrete” truth about Monogamy. In corporate America, this is commonly referred to as “comparing apples to oranges.”

Lack of exposure to the inner-workings of Poly life causes many to focus negatively on the topics of promiscuity and selfishness. Some assume that people choose Poly because they are psychologically ill equipped to handle the requirements of a meaningful monogamous relationship; seeking the additional attention to offset their social or relational inadequacies. Another common assumption is that Poly folk desire multiple concurrent relationships because they are greedy and/or indecisive; seeking to “create the perfect partner” by sampling the favorable characteristics of anyone willing to commit to their terms. From the naysayers’ point-of view, Poly is not a relationship model that promotes structure, personal integrity, or accountability, and, therefore, lacks credibility.

As an experienced Poly person reflecting on the negative views and assumptions regarding Poly, including my own, the issues and concerns appear to run much deeper than social inadequacies and indecisiveness.

Looking through a monogamist’s lens, several aspects of polyamory, which can easily cause confusion, should be identified, addressed, and defined. They are;

• Identity
• Self-assertion
• Coordination
• Control/Self-Discipline
• Progression

To monogamists, providing definitions and functional examples of those points would be a fundamental requirement for anyone who identifies with a non-monogamous group, or subscribes to an alternative relationship dynamic. What monogamist commonly fail to understand is that polyamory, as a valid and functioning relationship system, calls for a separate criterion to be addressed, and agreed upon, prior to discussions on ethics and standards of alternative relationships.

To Polyamorists, the majority of ones time should be spent in continuous consideration of the first bullet point, identity. In Poly, all experiences, both positive and negative, hinge on the individual’s capacity to comprehend multiple elements within, and facets of, themselves. Whether Poly or Monogamous, personal accountability and continuous self-auditing will determine the integrity, direction, and rate of growth, of the relationship.

Where the two systems differ is in the underlying motivations. In Monogamy, your significant other is most important; according to the unwritten rule that you are sometimes required to “put yourself on the back-burner” for the sake of your significant other and/or the relationship. Many people, when presented with the idea of Polyamory, assume that the same unwritten rules apply.

In a Polyamorous household, a member can be directly affected by the concerns and issues of any, or all, of the members of the poly family. In short, you are obligated to refine your definition of identity, not only for yourself but also, for your partner, their partner, AND any other member of the community, as well as for the community as a whole.

In a perfect world, an individual who chooses Poly would self assess, define, and articulate, their core principles, views, and overall personal values. After that time is spent in “personal introspection”, the next task is to define and measure how the construction of “self” can be integrated into the pre-existing design of polyamory. In the “real world”, nothing could be further from the truth.

More often than not, the emotional concerns of the individual for self are either de-prioritized or “back-burnered” in an attempt to “toe the line” for the others in their immediate Poly community (family, by love, within the house and outside of it). The individual is then forced to reassess the integrity of their personal ethics (self-leadership, interdependence, and personal goals) as related to seemingly new (in truth, self-imposed) Polyamorous concepts, such as:

• Initial Concerns
  • Impatience
  • Moments of solitude
  • Emotional and mental confusion
  • Previous relationship issues
• Expectations of Sacrifice
  • Personal definition of “sacrifice”
  • Putting aside self-interest
  • Putting others first
• Expectations of Acceptance
  • Acceptable levels of vulnerability and openness
  • Ability to surrender
• Expectations of Reversal
  • Looking at life and relationships from a new perspective
  • Re-prioritization
  • Turning your entire world around

When the individual fails to spend quality time addressing these basic Poly ideas and concepts, it results in a form of internalized oppression. If those topics are neither communicated to one’s partner, nor addressed on a personal level, over a significant period of time, while functioning within a Poly community, it can lead to paranoia. Combine that with the integration of ones personal needs and the groups/communities needs and expectations, and the potential for an emotional meltdown, affecting all community members, has now increased exponentially.

All of that could’ve been prevented by spending time with yourself, by yourself, and getting to know yourself. Yes, Poly is defined as “many loves“; but, more often than not, individuals tend to alienate themselves from the group of people they love. The topics of self-assertion, coordination, self-discipline, and progression, must be addressed; only after the topic of identity has been addressed and defined by the individual FIRST. That process is the essence of love, starting with self-love, and must precede any attempt to exist in a loving relationship with others. It is during that space and time that the Poly individual finds the answers they seek and, as a result, discovers the integrity of polyamory and the “secret” of making it work.

Know yourself. Start by identifying yourself to yourself and for yourself. And don’t lie to yourself.

Once the poly individual can commit to the process of self-assessment as a personal best practice, any identified misunderstandings can be presented to the other members of the Poly community with confidence. Without a commitment to initiate and maintain that level of introspection, the real question becomes, “What is it that you seek to gain from Polyamory that you don’t feel you receive from Monogamy?”

Written by Kozure Okami

Edited by WritetoMind

by Elaine Morgan

Those who know me would say, “She is too emotional and wears her heart on her sleeve, but she always has your back”.

In January 2012, I had begun to develop a good friendship with a couple I use to walk pass and smile at regularly. They have an infectious personality and I just couldn’t stay away, so our friendship grew.

During that time, I was in an on again/off again relationship with my fiancé of 14 years. We had set a wedding date and began planning the wedding. I had told my friends, and though many disagreed with my choice of a partner, they said nothing. Having been in several long-term monogamous relationships prior to this one, spanning 36 years, I was never satisfied and always looking for romance.

In May 2012, my fiancé wanted to have a ‘serious conversation’ with me. He told me about his six-year-old son, and how he was sorry for keeping the secret for six years of the relationship. I was emotionally devastated and wanted to die. I was so in love with him. He went on to tell me we couldn’t get married yet. Having done nothing wrong, I was dumbstruck when he made this announcement of wanted to put our wedding plans on hold. I told him, “Its now or never”. He said, “Not now”, so, I began cancelling the wedding.

Pouring my heart and tears out to my new friends one of them said, “We’re glad it didn’t work out. You’re too good for him but we would like you to consider dating us. We had been watching you for over a year”.

Being an adventurous person, by nature, I’m always willing to try something, at least once. So, I thought about it. Three days later, I went to them to say I’d like to go on a date with them the following day.

It’s Saturday, their children have been dropped off at a friend’s for the weekend. We are at their home. I was nervous. I had never been with a woman before. We sat in their bedroom; talking, laughing, and drinking, which I needed, to steady my nerves. A few hours into the evening, J (the man) sat next to me, and A (the woman) sat on a chair in front of me. They both started touching me. My head was spinning with all the new feelings I was experiencing, simultaneously. I couldn’t contain the escaping gasps. Then the first orgasm came, and many more.

They told me they had fallen for me over the past year. Then they made love to me all evening and through the night, all the time saying the most beautiful things to me…massaging my heart as well as my body. Having never had orgasms for 12 hours straight, it was the first time I EVER felt completely satisfied. I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

That weekend went on for a month. They couldn’t get enough of me, and I them. We were insatiable.

Remember, “I wear my heart on my sleeve”. We had begun a full-on triad relationship.

He was jealous, if I even spoke of someone else, and she would go silent. They asked me to do school transport for their children and run errands; none of which was a problem, in spite of the fact that my own children were all grown and out of the house.

They told me I was not doing enough for the relationship, though I had my own business to attend to, and now some of theirs. There were times when they wouldn’t communicate for weeks; only calling when they wanted my body. To make it worst, they blamed me.

I was doing everything I could to fit into their lives. They did nothing to fit into mine. I was cool with that.

It all ended a week ago when I told them that I felt insignificant to them. Our communication level had reached zero. Their response was to send me a text saying we should end it. I don’t regret any of my past loves; so, J&A will always be the greatest people who gave me back my heart.

by Elaine Morgan

edited by WritetoMind

Hair? Check. Make up? Check. Outfit? Check. It’s Date Night and my wife is dressed to impress…however, she’s not going out with me (but I’m OK with that). Shortly after we transitioned into the poly lifestyle, she met a guy that piqued her interest (but I’m OK with that). There have been a few phone calls, a few texts, and now progressing on to a date (but I’m OK with that).

He shows up on time (Well played, sir. Well played). Although we have briefly spoken before, he chats me up while my wife gets herself ready to go. (I’m not buying the good guy routine; my wife is so naïve). As they head out the door to the car, we exchange playful valedictions:
Me: “You two have fun” (not really).
Him: “We will” (I bet)
Me: “Don’t be out too late” (Seriously, don’t be out too late)
Him: “I’ll have her back before 10” (We’ll see…and your clock…starts…now).

He opens the door for her (what is the deal with this guy?). He acknowledges me one last time as he heads back to his side of the car (I’m still not buying it, fella), and then off they go on their date (but I’m OK with that). I hope they have a great time (or he gets a flat tire, or bad service, or his card gets declined).

7:30 PM
This isn’t so bad. Got my RedBox DVD, kids are in bed, cold beer in the fridge; yeah, I can handle this. By now they’ve probably made small talk the entire car ride to the restaurant (lies, all lies I bet) and laughed about this, that, or the other (just reeling her in bit by bit). We live pretty close to most places so they’re probably seated by now too. Anyway, it’s cool. I want her to be happy and enjoy herself (with me). The evening is still young, they’ll probably be back before I realize it; just food with friends.

9:30 PM
Movie is over and I’m low on beer. I was going to run out real quick and return the movie but, she should be back here shortly. I’ll just wait until she gets here. Then she can tell me all about her date with Mr. Nice Guy, what she liked and didn’t like (mostly didn’t like, I hope). Yeah, they’ll be pulling up any time now.

10:15 PM
Hmmm, they seem to be running a bit behind (LIAR!! I knew he was full of it). I’ll just grab another beer and wait up here by the door.

10:45 PM
Is that… his car…. coming up the…. Nope. I have just realized that all car headlights look the same when you’re waiting for someone to pull up. I should call, just to make sure everything is ok. But I don’t want to hover. Never mind. I’m fine. She’s fine. They’re fine. Probably went out for a night cap somewhere and lost track of time (but I’m OK with that). I know; I could just send a text. Something short like, ‘How’s it going’? She’ll look at her phone, see the time, and realize that she needs to head home. You know what? Maybe her battery is dead; she’d never get the call or the text anyways. Dammit, I KNEW I should have reminded her to take her charger. I bet he asked her to turn her phone off…so they wouldn’t be interrupted (this guy is really starting to get under my skin). Nope. Gotta get it together. She’s grown. She doesn’t have a curfew. I need another beer.

11:45 PM
OK, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? This has got to be the longest first date in history! I mean, c’mon! You’ve talked on the phone, you’ve sent texts, and talked in the car…what else could you possibly have to say? You just met the guy! Is he THAT interesting that you can’t find a stopping point? You know it’s those nice guys that people never suspect until it’s too late. Folks being interviewed always say “He was so nice; I never thought he’d be capable of doing anything like this”. That’s it for me! I’m calling, and if she doesn’t answer her phone I’m…. wait. Is that?… Yep, looks like someone is pulling into the driveway. I’ll just supervise this through the curtains.

He gets out and goes to open her door. They walk up to the house still talking and laughing (does this guy EVER shut up?). She gives him a hug, he heads back to his car and then she comes inside. She’s safe and happy. And I’m OK with that.