When Poly Men Can’t Afford Multiple Women: Lessons Earned

by A.C. Keys

To my delightful surprise, I learned there exists a word, and lifestyle, that would allow my suppressed desire to genuinely love more than one person, freely, to be expressed. Polyamory. While researching polyamory, I came across a Polyamorous dating website and signed up.

I soon met a man in an open marriage. His wife had a boyfriend, whom she loved very much, for over two years. He was seeking a female partner for himself.

We spoke over the phone for about a month, sharing desires and expectations for something long-term and meaningful. During those discussions he said he could dedicate 2 to 3 days each week to nurturing a relationship with me, some of them overnight stays. I asked if he was confident he could make this commitment. He assured me he could.

After meeting a few times, he took me home to meet his wife. She was a beautiful person inside and out, very warm and welcoming. She was heterosexual, as am I. She admitted wanting him to be happy, and had a desire to support him in his relationships, as he had done for her.

As our relationship progressed, unfortunately, his actions were not consistent with what he originally said he wanted. Instead of investing the time to nurture a meaningful relationship, he stopped by my place once a week, on his way home from work, for a quickie; usually lasting no more than an hour. It was, essentially, a booty call; drive by sex. When I complained that this was not what I signed up for, and it was not as he said it would be; he expressed that he didn’t have a lot of free time and still had family obligations. I expressed my full understanding and suggested that he take his wife and me out, at the same time, to remove the stress of trying to divide his time between us.

We all soon went out for dinner. When the check came, he paid for his and his wife’s meal, not mine. This, most certainly, made me feel less than significant and like a third wheel, but I dismissed it.

During a conversation with his wife, she expressed how his “over the top sex drive” was overwhelming her. I realized from our conversation that, even though they loved each other very much, he lacked the romance she needed, which she found in her boyfriend. It also occurred to me that he really just needed another sexual outlet, not a meaningful relationship, as he had expressed in the beginning.

I have a fairly high sex drive, however, I needed quality time and romance just as much as his wife. So, after some consideration, I concluded we were not a match and ended the relationship.

Later, I met another couple that was unmarried but lived together. They were very happy, and enjoyable, people. We went out to a few events and parties. The boyfriend eventually asked me to go away with them for the weekend. As a single woman, I am accustomed to men who invite me out to pay for the things they invite me to. I assumed that he had the weekend trip covered for me, just as he had it covered for his girlfriend. Needless to say, I was somewhat taken aback when he asked me for half of the expenses. I asked myself, “Why is it, when a “single man” asks a woman out, or decides to take her away for the weekend, she isn’t expected to pay; but in a poly couple dynamic the man assumes he is exempt of such expectations?”

Again, I was left feeling less than significant because he took care of his girlfriend, and
not me.

I feel strongly that if a man wants to date two women he should be prepared to care for both women in the same manner, or, at the very least, have an open and honest discussion of expectations and abilities before inviting her out or beginning a relationship.

The lessons I learned, as a single woman, is to ask a lot more questions regarding desires, intentions, expectations, abilities and limitations of everyone. Have ongoing, continuous, open conversations. Many single women have chosen to steer clear of couples until they have established their own couple unit for these very reasons. What are your thoughts and or recommendations?

Written by A. C. Keyes

****The comments, ideas, and opinions written here are the writers own and do not necessarily reflect the philosophies, values, or community standards of Black & Poly as an organization.  The “Black & Poly Blog” serves as an outlet for the voices of our very diverse community. It is our goal to reflect that diversity through the written experiences of our members.***

Edited by: WritetoMind